What's the Funniest One-liner?

Comedy is subjective, and what makes someone crack up in fits of laughter, may make another cringe. This is my opinion on the funniest joke of modern times, but I don't want you to be left out. Give us your opinion too! Tell us what you think is the funniest joke ever by commenting below. Now I know that selecting one joke as the funniest ever is a hard task, so that's why I have decided to list my top 5 favourite jokes. For your reference, I have included a short bio on the comedian who first uttered these jokes.

1. My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her. I just swam to the surface.

Emo Philips is an American comedian born in Chicago in the suburb of Downers Grove on february 7, 1956. He has a reputation for writing some of the best one-liners in the business, and is well respected by the comedy community for his bizarre approach to comedy; a strange mix of morbid and sexual perversity, narrated by an almost angelic, falsetto voice, as well as grotesque facial expressions and polished timing, add a strange but unique blend to his comic persona.

A strong element of his performance is his acting but it doesn't stop there. He has appeared in various feature films, including UHF (1989), Meet the Parents (1992), and Desperation Boulevard (1998). In television, he has made appearances on Miami Vice and The Weird Al Show. Mr Philips has also accumulated a number of voiceover credits, including the animated series Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist; Home Movies; Space Ghost: Coast to Coast; and he also played Dooper in Slacker Cats. He has recorded three comedy albums: E=mo², Live at the Hasty Pudding Theatre album, and Emo.

2. Throwing acid is wrong...in some people's eyes.

Love him or loath him, Jimmy Carr is a comedian who came onto the scene in 2002 and made a big impact on the British comedy circuit, mainly due to his clever one-liners and perfect timing. However, he has had criticism from the media over his sometimes crude material and belittling of stereotypes, but this hasn't stopped him from powering forward. In fact, he has been the host of numerous TV shows, including Your Face Or Mine?, Have I Got News
For You, 8 Out Of 10 Cats and 100 Greatest Cartoon Characters. Jimmy has also released 6 DVD's, including Live (2004), Stand Up (2005), Comedian (2007), In Concert (2008), Telling Jokes (2009), Making People Laugh (2010).

3. I named my dog stay. He went insane. Come here, Stay.

Steven Wright is a modern day dead-pan comedian who paces up and down on stage and barely utters one-liners in a monotone voice. The one-liners are short jokes, offbeat, and philosophical and child-like in nature. He has appeared in many films over the years, too many to list here. In 1985 he released his first comedy Album I have a Pony, then sixteen years later he released onto DVD Steven Wright: When the Leaves Blow Away (2007), and also in 2007 he released a follow up to I Have a Pony, titled I Still Have a Pony.

4. Beware of Alphabet Grenades… if you throw them, it could spell disaster!

Tim Vine is the master of the quick-fire one-liner, even holding the Guinness World Record for telling the most jokes in an hour. His comedy is a mixture of one-liners (play on words) and puns. A lot of his jokes has been falsely attributed to Tommy Cooper, and even one joke features Mr Vine in the one-liner. Pretty obvious, I should think. Bob Monkhouse once gave Tim the ultimate compliment: "He has taken the trick of word play and extended it to lengths no-one has ever dared before. A very funny man indeed." Enough said.

5. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner started in show business as a dancer on Broadway before switching to comedy after she noticed a lack of female comedians in the industry. She has appeared on numerous TV shows, and often performs at Las Vegas, but now has branched out into writing screenplays, novels, and a play Room 776. She is married to producer Martin Bergman, and in 2002 they adopted their daughter, Molly.